Will it be easy? Nope.
Will it be worth it? Absolutely!
Last week during therapy we decided to take an item of self love and start to work our why I simply am not doing it.
There’s something I avoid doing sometimes, and I’m going to try be totally and utterly transparent about it.
On some tricky days I just don’t take care of my self, at all. It ranges from many things, be they easy or not. Routine or not. Basically they’re the super simple stuff that most peeps don’t think or put effort behind doing, they just do it automatically.
Food. Sleep. Health. Wellbeing. Self talk. Appearance. Chores. You name it, it’s probably not on the list but should be, because my list is long!
Whatever the reasons, I just don’t seem to do them. I will tell myself all sorts of things to excuse why I’m not doing it, and then simply do something utterly meaningless to distract myself. Like surfing the web to find the answers to everything and nothing all at once.
The excuses range from. “Too busy; too tired; not bothered; no energy; no desire; no time” etc etc.
Quite simply I’m not prioritising them being done. In short: I’m not prioritising ME!
The delay of these things often causes a ripple into others not happening and suddenly my ripple is just one big massive wave of **** that I’m not doing...FOR ME.
Today I find myself in that ripple. This all started when I decided to try uncover why one of the self care items simply seems or feels hard for me to do.
Now. To put this into perspective. I work a 9-5 job. I’m a senior leader in the business that I work for. I lead a team and I’m (on the face of it) seen as having got my sh** together. When in actual fact. That’s all a mask. My tricky childhood gave me the option of ‘give in’ or ‘fight’. And I chose to fight. As a result, I have worked incredibly hard to secure my future, achieve great career milestones and be a pretty ok human.
What people don’t know is the struggle I’ve faced, day in and day out to keep up. Put up. And stay strong.
I’ve battled many a demon and won. And I’m sure as hell not giving up any time soon.
So as I begin to uncover the ‘why’ of this next element that plagues me. I’m left with a head that feels as though it’s been stuffed with cotton wool.
What I’m sure of, is that this time, I know what’s coming.
When I began doing EMDR 6 years ago, I had no idea what I was about to go through. When Pandora’s box opened, it was like a hurricane of thoughts and feelings that I sincerely didn’t know what to do with. Since then, I’ve got the deep rooted belief that I’ll totally get through this. I have confidence in my resilience.
Today I’m knackered. I’m going to rest, relax and keep you posted.
If you, like me, have a tricky past. Know this: you’re here today because you survived. And you’ll be here tomorrow as you win little battles en route to thriving. You’re not in this alone.
Be gentle on yourselves peeps. x