wait patiently for that aha-ha moment;
it’s worth it.
It’s taken me 21 days for mine. Or 504 hours. For me, that seemed like an incredibly long time.
...until I worked out that it was less than 0.2% of my life!
21 days ago, I decided my health was way more important than my work. Funny that, as this is the advice I’ve given to many over the years. I decided, that it was no longer worth my while to put myself through the misery of measuring up to someone else’s unrealistic standards.
That I was worth more than the constant criticism, the intimidation, and projected failures.
That I knew better, for myself.
In those 21 days this is what I did. I spent the first week in mostly tears, little to no food. Terrible sleep and constant anxiety. I flip-flopped between ‘have I made the right decision?’ And ‘what am I going to do?’.
The reason for these thoughts was that I have in fact built an incredible career for myself. Despite my past and indeed the present of the daily emotional battles I faced, I’d done pretty well... on the surface.
That being said, my sh** tolerance scale is larger than most and I tend to deal with being treated poorly for longer than I’d advise anyone ever should. In fact I listened to none of my own advice for pretty much my whole life.
In the last 21 days, I travelled 5452 miles across the globe in hope of some escape at first. For 10 days in Los Angeles I’d hoped for some kind of sign, a message from anywhere to give me the answers I so desperately needed.
This photo was taken in Joshua tree, in the middle of the Mojave desert. On a rock, at sunset. This day, was the most I’d felt like myself. Like I was connected to something larger than me. But, still no answers.
I returned to London 2 days ago. Exhausted, jet lagged and chubbier than I’d left. I was disassociated for pretty much most of my trip.
Already on the flight back, 2 days ago, I was filled with anxiety of not having the answers to the questions I had before I left.
This morning I woke up and found myself googling.
My therapist had been telling me for years: ‘you can’t think your way through this, you have to FEEL’.
Now to be honest with you, I actually have little clue on how to do that. So here were my search terms: ‘how to feel my way through life’. Yes, I know. I look silly. But I sincerely am, clearly, clueless!
My brain, is the very reason I’ve done so well at work. And I know that by that very search term, I’m still THINKING. I think FAR too much.
But my aha moment came when I saw the very words my therapist had been repeating to me on this blog post: https://three-principles.com/feeling-our-way-through-life/
It was these very sentences that gave me my aha-moment: “Bad feelings are not our enemies; they are our navigation system.” And this: “So bad feelings are not something to cope with; they are something to appreciate and use as a guide to slow our minds down.”
So this morning, I’m once again listening. SLOW DOWN! I’m taking the wise advice, which I know to be true because I have personal experience of it bringing positive change: “Better feelings, good feelings tell us to trust the thoughts we’re having. Once we are operating from a clear head and a quiet mind, the very “problems” that looked so horrible come into perspective.”
I don’t know my answers, but this morning I’m less worried about finding them out because, I know, in time, and new perspective... that they’ll come.
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